Ups and Downs

I haven't posted in awhile, because honestly there hasn't been anything to share.

Awhile back, we got an email saying we had been shown to a birth mother, however we weren't chosen. That was difficult to hear and made me question- why not us? However, I have found strength in the fact that it obviously wasn't the right time and situation. I hope the family that was chosen knows just how lucky they are and I pray that things are going well for them.

Today however was an extreme down. I got an email from our agency that cut like a knife. The director of the program let me know that our homestudy is currently only approved for adoption. I'm sure you're thinking- "isn't that what you want to do?" Absolutely, however the way it works is that for the first 30-90 days a child who is to be adopted is in foster care. What this means is that if a birthmother chose us, we would not be allowed to take baby home until AFTER they were adopted (30-90 days). If you're a parent, could you imagine someone telling you that you can't take your baby home from the hospital? That you have to let a stranger take care of your child for that amount of time? Sometimes when I share these things with people, it is hard for them to think of it in that way. Let me tell you, that child would be ours and it is exactly the same- even if we are not related by blood. Needless to say, I was completely devastated. I can't put into the words the places that takes you. 

When you find out you can't have your own children, there is a grieving period. It takes time to get past that. I had always felt like that would be what I had to do to have children. It was never a secret-as long as I can remember, that I wanted a whole crazy house full of kids. Phil took time to grieve the loss of having our own children before we decided to adopt. This takes you back to that. It's like experiencing that loss all over again.

To find out that all of this was happening, via email, was extremely hard. (I mean really, a phone call would have been better and I nicely explained that to our agency). When we transferred into our agency, there were fees we had to pay. In the email, it explained that to remedy this issue there would be fees (of course!), we would need to redo 36 hours of training (we’ve been working on the 24 hours we already needed to renew our home study, which no longer would count), and we would have to completely redo our home study. Doesn’t sound like a big deal? Trust me, do all of the things required for a home study. There are visits by a social worker, visits to the doctor, classes, visits by the fire department, paying people to check your house hold appliances… just to name a few… it is a BIG deal.  

Not to mention, we have been with our agency for a year and half and had met back in January to discuss our case. Why was none of this discovered over that period? We changed from children’s services to a private agency because we thought it would be better. Now our agency doesn’t have things right either?? (On the bright side, there are procedures now in place to make sure that it never happens again. I’m glad about that because I don’t think I would wish this on my worst enemy.)

Overall, It just sort of hit me like a brick today. We felt like God lead us to our agency. I have faith that God has a plan for us, but now I’m just not sure that I know what his exact plan is… maybe we aren’t meant to be here either. (To put this into perspective- on Thursday, we will have been trying to have a baby for four years.)

Anyway, only time will tell…

Until then, I will continue to keep the faith- even when it knocks me to my knees.

Days Gone By...

It's been awhile since my last post. There isn't anything great to share. I've been reading a few people's blogs who are adopting from other countries. They constantly have something going it seems, which would be really hard. For those of you wondering why we don't just adopt from another country, partially it is the cost and partially because once you are matched with a child- typically you do not get the child until they are 2 or older.

The only news I have to share in our adoption journey is that we met with the new person in charge of the department. She seems really great and knowledgable and has some great ideas to get out in the community. We got some things straightened out and found out we need 24 hours of classes before the end of August- yikes! We also found out there are 37 families in the book, not 30 like we were told in December. This was certainly an awful thing to find out since we thought they were capping at 30- the reason for the extra people was because there were people who had already started homestudies so they couldn't say no. We also found out they would potentially let other people into the book who are more diverse (most of the couples in the book are caucasian, christian families between the ages of 25-50). Yeah- none of this was really music to my ears... but wait- there's more! When we first got with the agency they were placing a lot of children extremely quickly (17 in a year to be exact). The national average for an agency is 8-10. Well we found out things might not have been done quite right to the extent that there is a $3,000 birth mother's fund that can be used for essentials for getting ready for the baby- clothes when their's no longer fit, cab money to a doctor's appt, etc... well apparently the other person in charge was getting pretty generous with that $3,000 (that is paid by the adoptive couple when they are chosen) and buying the birth mom things that weren't baby related (like new furniture)... I won't say what I'm sure you're thinking right now. Anyway, not good and that is how they got so many babies in a year. The new woman told us that she is hoping for 10 babies a year. So if you do the math- that means we could wait 4+ years for a baby because once families are chosen they will begin taking new families at some point. In case I haven't mentioned before- there isn't an "order" to get the baby... we would be close to the top if there was!! They talk to the birth mom and see what she wants for her baby, then they cross check that list with the wants of the adoptive couple and whoever matches up is in a book for the mother to look at. 

So that's where we're at. This journey is testing my faith more than I ever could have imagined. 

I hate to admit this, but with all the snow and being out of town we haven't been to church in forever so I got in my mind that no matter what we were going to church yesterday. There was a guest pastor from Michigan who had been part of a video that our church showed at Christmas. There was a girl who had gotten pregnant at 16 and her whole family was trying to convince her to get rid of the baby. Her Mom was the only person who told her she could keep it and the weekend before she was going to get the abortion she went to stay with her Mom and went to church for the first time. Two years later, we got to meet the little girl who wouldn't have been here if it hadn't been for that young girl deciding to go to church with her Mom. So the pastor used this part of Genesis 15 for his talk...

2 But Abram said, “Sovereign Lord, what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?” 3 And Abram said, “You have given me no children; so a servant in my householdwill be my heir.”

4 Then the word of the Lord came to him: “This man will not be your heir, but a son who is your own flesh and blood will be your heir.” 5 He took him outside and said, “Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring[d] be.”

6 Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness.

Now, he also talked about how he could hear Abram just whining to the lord about how he wanted a child. It made me think, how often do I sound like that to God? This was a good reality check! I would be lying if I said there weren't days I don't whine or that I'm not angry or that I'm not often broughy to tears over our situation. It is on those days that I know more than anything, I have to be patient and have faith in whatever God's plan is for us.

So thank you to everyone who I know is praying for us everyday, we are thankful beyond words for your support!

Looking for some better news...

I have deleted this post 4 times now. I'm having a bad day and it's 6:13 in the morning. Everything I type seems to be an angry rant. Unfortunately, I don't have any great news to share.

You would think I would have learned to stop checking my email first thing in the morning, but I don't. I finally heard back about some answers to some of my questions from the adoption agency. 

There are currently 30 families waiting in the book. Yes, 30. When we first were put in the book last January there were 13 families, we made 14. That number has now more than doubled. I also learned that there are 2 potential birthmoms, neither has officially decided that adoption is the route they want to take. If they decide that they would like to do adoption, they will choose from the 30 families. On the bright side, they aren't accepting anymore families (wish they had made this decision about 10 families ago...)

This is depressing. I really try to stay positive about everything adoption related and have  faith, but let me tell you- this REALLY puts a damper on that.

So now, what I'm asking everyone is to pray. Pray for us, pray for the other families waiting to adopt, and pray for the birthmoms who are trying to decide the best option for their child. 

Maybe with enough prayers, we can have a Christmas miracle...





I will leave you with a less "ranty" point. A cute story about 3rd graders and adoption.

I've been meaning to post this for awhile, but I overheard my students having a conversation in class. They were discussing their "cultures" (vocabulary word) and kind of what that means and where they come from. One child says to another you're black, that's your culture. The child corrects the other one very politely and says that he is mexican and his family is from mexico. The conversation continues... then one child says well I'm adopted and that is part of my culture. Another child yells to me and asks what is adoption? So I explain what adoption is to them and that Phil and I are waiting to adopt. The child who was adopted is amazed and says "That is so cool Mrs. Ross! Adoption is AWESOME! I hope you get a kid soon, but then you have to go to court to make it legal and then you get to have a party!"

See, even in the eyes of a 3rd grader- ADOPTION IS AWESOME!

Healing a Broken Heart

Let me start out saying, I have no adoption news. I wish. I pray. I hope. Yet, no news. 

It has been hitting me hard lately, the waiting... and waiting... and waiting. Our homestudy is good for 2 years. We passed our 1 year mark. We have 10 months left. That is not very long adn it took us so long to get it the first time. Then we have to pay to get our homestudy updated. Another cost. 

And of course, there is an overwhelming amount of cute baby pictures all over facebook lately. Now, don't get me wrong- everytime one of my friends finds out they're pregnant or they have their baby- I am thrilled for them! I love looking at all the cute baby pictures and even how they're becoming adorable little toddlers! However, each time one of these announcements or pictures surfaces it is also a big reminder about what we are waiting for.

Our church started a new series called How to Get Through What You're Going Through. The week before, I was looking at the titles of the different weekends and noticed two specific titles- "When you don't understand" and "How to experience peace". The other two weeks I had a meh, whatever attitude. When I woke up Sunday morning, I asked Phil if he was going to go to church and he said ok (yes, he wasn't thrilled- which usually means he will stay home, but for whatever reason he decided to go). 

The topic for the day was Healing a Broken Heart. Now, this is a Rick Warren series and was based on the 6 Stages of Grief. When the talk began, the Pastor Ben talked a lot about death and even showed a clip from after Rick Warren's son passed away and him and his wife talking about their grief. 

As the talk continues, it kind of hits me. This talk isn't about death for Phil and I. They defined grief as "our heart breaking when we lose something of value". There it is, God steps up in a big way. I now understand why Phil had to come to church with me. I think God wanted to make sure we were healing our broken hearts over our fertility issues. As the talk continues, I feel like God is standing there saying "Hey Amanda! Hi! Over here! Yeah, this if for you!"

The 6 stages of grief:

Shock- finding out that we weren't able to conceive a baby. Not on our own and probably not even with help.

Sorrow- extremely overwhelming sadness to know that there will never be a child that has your eyes or your personality. That I will never get to experience being pregnant (the good the bad or the ugly!)

Struggle- why me, why us. I have always wanted a big family. Always. Even when it wasn't cool and all my friends said they didn't think they ever wanted kids. I. ALWAYS. DID. Why does this have to happen to us?

Surrender- understanding God must have a bigger plan. Something great in store. Okay God, take it from here- lead us where we need to go. From Children's services to Catholic Charities.

Sanctification- keeping the faith, understanding that there is a plan (okay, I don't 100% have a good explanation here)

Service- I have thought a lot about this. What can I do, how can I help someone else going through this? I'm still working on it. I feel like part of my service is this blog. Maybe, someone, somewhere will read this and understand that it is hard- this process is long and it is trying of your faith, but I know that God has a plan and that it will be worth it.

I continue to think about a few other things that our Pastor said:

*God will take you to a place you cannot see today.

*God wants to heal our broken hearts by inviting us to be present (don't stuff it, express it), be patient (don't get over it, walk through it), and be positive (don't despair, choose joy).

On the video we watched, Kay Warren (in talking about her son's death) said something to the extent of she was devastated, but not destroyed. When people ask her how she is, she tells them I'll be okay, even when she feels horrible. That sums things up a lot of the time. Now I understand, death and fertility issues are completely different. But, there are a lot of the same feelings. 

Well that's all. I just felt like I had to share this, just to make sure God hears me say "Yup, got it! I'll be over here waiting... as long as it takes!"

"Maternity" Photos!

A few months ago while Pinteresting things about Adoption, I stumbled upon someone who had done adoption "maternity" photos. 

I.fell.in.love. 

New I had to have them! Such a cute idea. So my wonderful cousin Jess of Seedling Photography (out of the Columbus, Ohio area) volunteered to try out the idea while we were on vacation in Michigan this summer. So I set to work creating some props and putting together ideas. I couldn't have imagined better pictures! Oh my goodness. Here are my faves!



Thank you Pinterest for helping me learn that spray paint and stickers make such cute signs!

So... I wanted to save these 3 images and share them when we finally get "the big news" but I loved them too much to not share them!

This idea is also from Pinterest and I thought it was too cute. I love the whole Growing in my Heart idea :)

Again- Thank you, thank you, thank you to Jess! What a talent you have :)

If you're in the Columbus area you really need to check her out!

Perspective and Understanding

All day, everyday we walk around with our own feelings. The adoption process is long and lonely and some parts of it are extrememly hard to explain, especially how you feel throughout it. Not to say people can't or don't try to understand what I'm going through or can't be emphathetic. And it sounds cliche to say- you can't understand because you aren't going through it- but sometimes you really can't. Like, I'll never know what it's like to be pregnant. You hear some people talk about their crazy hormones or pregnancy brain and I can imagine that, but I can't really understand. That's what my post is about today. Understanding and Perspective. 

I was having a conversation and getting extrememly upset because someone did not understand why a certain situation would be so important. Of course at the time, I couldn't get the words out- I just cried. I became outraged because they didn't seem to see the importance. Now looking back it was silly. It is one of those situations where someone doesn't understand because they have never gone through it or known someone who has gone through it. Instead of getting upset, I needed to pause and explain everything. This goes back to the whole reason I started this blog. To help people understand. So today, I'm going to share something else that unless you have been through an adoption or been close to someone who has gone through an adoption, you might not know. So here goes...

If you're a parent, I'm sure you remember the first time you ever saw your child at the hospital (ok, it may be hard to remember, but I'm sure you at least remember parts of that day!) As adoptive parents, this is something that will be equally if not a more- monumental occasion. It is that day when the birth parents will give the greatest gift that can ever be given- a child. Sometimes there is a small ceremony where the birth parents sign papersstating their intent to give the baby to the adoptive parents- kind of like getting the keys to your new car, but wayyyyyyy better :) !!  Now, imagine not being there for that? There are some cases where this doesn't happen- mostly in closed adoptions. Since we are planning an open adoption we will be able to be there the day our baby is born and take it home just like you would if you gave birth. 

So that's it, I'm done being preachy today. I myself need to remember that people are not being insensitive when they say things. It's hard. If I snap at you, I'm sorry. Just please remember in any situation, ask questions before you assume things. And this goes for a wide variety of topics. 

Happy Saturday :) Hope everyone is enjoying some of nice weather! 

Thoughts

We just got home from spending a fun week in Michigan (okay, the weather was more like October) and getting our adoption pictures taken. I started re-reading the Hunger Games. I have to get ready for the next movie! Anyway, I was trying to find a bookmark when I found a bible verse from church and it just seemed so fitting...

Proverbs 16:9- We can make plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

Isn't that true? We've made plans to adopt, but now we have to wait until the timing is just perfect.

Well, here's to waiting!