Our Adoption Journey (so far!)

I am not writer or a blogger. So I’ll do my best here. 

I do have to warn you. This post is very personal. And pretty darn long! I've had a lot of questions about everything we have been through on our way to adoption and I decided to use this as an outlet to let other's know a little more.

Anyway, over the past few months, I have met some women who I can only think were put in my path by God for a reason. Our conversations start out like any other and then suddenly they take a turn. These women have experienced some of the most heartbreaking, life-changing news- that they will not be able to conceive children on their own. I truly understand what they are going through, as I received that news myself over 3 years ago now. It is a feeling that I cannot describe.

I had always had a feeling that I wouldn’t be able to have kids. Call it women’s intuition I suppose. I always thought my family would happen through adoption. When I was 19, I was told it was a possibility. When Phil and I decided to get married, we talked about it- I wanted him to know there was a chance. Dah, Dah, Dah, Dahhhh- we got married and lived happily ever after for awhile. Then I got baby fever.

After trying for about 8 months- I talked to my dr. She was actually a midwife I do believe. Anyway, she said before we tried any fertility drugs I needed to go have this super awesome procedure done called an HSG- it has some super long name. Anyway, the hope is that it will clean out your lady parts. It was outpatient and my Mom took me (thanks Mom!) and it causes slight pain and makes you feel pretty nauseous, but you’re good to go within a day. After that I started on Clomid and had to go in for blood work and ultrasounds. I also switched to a real gyno, (goodbye mean midwife!) and we found out that the clomid didn’t help. So they bumped the dose (which made me feel like an insane, crazy, out of control awful mess). Guess what, still nothing. My doctor did some tests and sent Phil for some tests. Then she said hmmm… I think you need to see a fertility specialist. Okay great.

Luckily, God inserted someone into my life at that exact time going through the same things I was and she recommended a specialist who is very well known. Cool right? Yeah, so in November of 2010 I went to meet him. Things were going great until he said- “After reviewing all of your test results and other information- we determined that you getting pregnant on your own is less than a 5% chance”. BAM. There is that heartbreaking, life-changing news I spoke of before. I honestly think that is all I heard, good thing my Mom was there (yet again) to ask all of the important questions that I couldn’t even think about at this point. They gave us paperwork that explained how IVF would be our best option giving us a 30-70% chance of getting pregnant (IVF- In Vitro Fertilization- google it for more info, it basically is mixing things together in the outside world before carefully inserting tem inside the woman). But due to family history, there is no guarantee that I would ever carry a baby full term. Best part is, for those great chances they were offering- it would cost us close to $15,000. Talk about a complete shock.

In the back of my mind, I was thinking I would walk into that office- they’d say we can help you get pregnant and we’d have a baby 10 months later. Anyway, I took the info home- Phil and I talked. We decided okay, lets do it. Phil has this super fun medical fund that had money in it and we could use that to cover most of the costs. Luckily, we decided to double check. WRONG. We would not be able to use that money to cover the costs. Yikes, good thing we checked!

Back to square one- I could not see spending that much money and not getting pregnant. After a few weeks, Phil agreed. We talked about adoption. Phil wasn’t sure (a lot of times we think of fertility issues only affecting the woman- however it is also a lot of stress on the man- many divorces happen because of infertility issues).  While he was working things out in his mind I started looking up things about adoption. 

Just then, God inserted yet another important person into my life- BOOM. Someone who is a foster parent and has been for many years. We discussed a lot and I found out about some classes starting in January to become foster/adoptive parents through Children Services. Phil got on board. We started classes in January- 36 hours of fun filled training. We learned a ton- really. The biggest thing I walked away with was realizing how important it is to have the birth family involved- whether you foster or adopt a child. Anyway, we finished in April. Insert huuuuuuuuge waiting period where our caseworker began our homestudy, then disappeared off the face of the earth. She quit and our case got lost. Oh cool. However, I am the queen of being annoying when I want something. In September of 2012 it was finally done! Woohoo!

-In case you are not familiar- a homestudy is when a worker comes out to your house, asks you tons of personal questions on multiple visits, and looks around your house (to make sure it is safe). You also have to have a fire inspection and lots of other little quirky things (fire escape plan on the fridge, fire extinguisher in the kitchen, records readily available about vaccinations for our dog, a room set up for the baby- crib and all, baby gates, and we child proofed the house.)

In August (right before our homestudy was approved) I started a new job. So in September we started getting calls for babies. Now, as a foster/adoptive parent you fill out a checklist about what you’re willing to accept into your home (it’s approximately 5 pages long and ranges from age and race to sleeping problems and behaviors.) We were specific and explained that we were looking for an infant that would most likely never be returned to their parents. (Fostering is about re-unification when it is in the best interest of the child, however there are cases where re-unification is not in the best interest of the child and children services already knows that- for example, a mother has 5 children who are all removed and gets pregnant again- she might have drugs in her system when the baby is born and then the child is removed. There is no guarantee that she won’t straighten up, however if she didn’t do it for the other 5 there is a good chance she won’t change this time. We would take that baby even though there is a chance it would have be re-unified) Anyway, that is the type of situation we were looking for. We received calls. However, each time- we felt un-prepared. Yes, we knew it was a possibility but there is no real way to prepare yourself for a call that says “there is a baby that needs picked up at the hospital at 5pm today can you do it?” They give you other information, don’t get me wrong- but in the end that is their true question. If you know me, you’ll know I’m a planner. I thought I could handle that question. Um, not so much. I would freak every time they called. I just started a new job, I can’t take off work! That is pretty much what went through my head.

Phil was feeling the same way and finally we talked about it. I wanted to know about a baby ahead of time, which just really isn’t possible for foster care. I think it would be different if I already had a child and had some sort of expectation for what having a baby would really be like. So we decided to look into a private agency. Insert someone God placed into my life in college who had experienced Catholic Charities first hand. Without her I would have had no true understanding of adoption or what an open adoption meant.

-Open Adoption is when a birth mother chooses a family for the baby. They have an open relationship with visits and pictures. The child is taught how heroic the birthmother was for giving up the baby to a family who couldn’t have their own children. It sounds scary, but there are guidelines- birthmoms don’t call you at 3am and tell you what you can or can’t do with the baby. Open adoption teaches the child that they are extra special and have even more people who care about them.

Okay, back on topic. We met with Catholic Charities. We talked to Children’s Services and explained how we were feeling. Normally, you cannot transfer information between agencies, but after everything we went through with our homestudy- they decided to go ahead and let us transfer our information to Catholic Charities (HOORAY!).

So that brings us to today. We became a Catholic Charities family in January and are currently waiting for just the right birthmom to pick us. Please continue to pray for us as this is a constant journey.

Feel free to share your thoughts or comments. If you know someone dealing with these issues, I'd love to explain more. There is a strong fear of the unknown. I’ve been there and it is a scary place when you don’t know anyone else. I’m thankful for this experience because I feel like God put us on this path for a reason. 

I get questions constantly about how our adoption stuff is going, but I don’t mind. I don’t mind questions and I don’t mind sharing our story. Maybe it will help someone else through a very difficult time.