Looking for some better news...

I have deleted this post 4 times now. I'm having a bad day and it's 6:13 in the morning. Everything I type seems to be an angry rant. Unfortunately, I don't have any great news to share.

You would think I would have learned to stop checking my email first thing in the morning, but I don't. I finally heard back about some answers to some of my questions from the adoption agency. 

There are currently 30 families waiting in the book. Yes, 30. When we first were put in the book last January there were 13 families, we made 14. That number has now more than doubled. I also learned that there are 2 potential birthmoms, neither has officially decided that adoption is the route they want to take. If they decide that they would like to do adoption, they will choose from the 30 families. On the bright side, they aren't accepting anymore families (wish they had made this decision about 10 families ago...)

This is depressing. I really try to stay positive about everything adoption related and have  faith, but let me tell you- this REALLY puts a damper on that.

So now, what I'm asking everyone is to pray. Pray for us, pray for the other families waiting to adopt, and pray for the birthmoms who are trying to decide the best option for their child. 

Maybe with enough prayers, we can have a Christmas miracle...





I will leave you with a less "ranty" point. A cute story about 3rd graders and adoption.

I've been meaning to post this for awhile, but I overheard my students having a conversation in class. They were discussing their "cultures" (vocabulary word) and kind of what that means and where they come from. One child says to another you're black, that's your culture. The child corrects the other one very politely and says that he is mexican and his family is from mexico. The conversation continues... then one child says well I'm adopted and that is part of my culture. Another child yells to me and asks what is adoption? So I explain what adoption is to them and that Phil and I are waiting to adopt. The child who was adopted is amazed and says "That is so cool Mrs. Ross! Adoption is AWESOME! I hope you get a kid soon, but then you have to go to court to make it legal and then you get to have a party!"

See, even in the eyes of a 3rd grader- ADOPTION IS AWESOME!

Healing a Broken Heart

Let me start out saying, I have no adoption news. I wish. I pray. I hope. Yet, no news. 

It has been hitting me hard lately, the waiting... and waiting... and waiting. Our homestudy is good for 2 years. We passed our 1 year mark. We have 10 months left. That is not very long adn it took us so long to get it the first time. Then we have to pay to get our homestudy updated. Another cost. 

And of course, there is an overwhelming amount of cute baby pictures all over facebook lately. Now, don't get me wrong- everytime one of my friends finds out they're pregnant or they have their baby- I am thrilled for them! I love looking at all the cute baby pictures and even how they're becoming adorable little toddlers! However, each time one of these announcements or pictures surfaces it is also a big reminder about what we are waiting for.

Our church started a new series called How to Get Through What You're Going Through. The week before, I was looking at the titles of the different weekends and noticed two specific titles- "When you don't understand" and "How to experience peace". The other two weeks I had a meh, whatever attitude. When I woke up Sunday morning, I asked Phil if he was going to go to church and he said ok (yes, he wasn't thrilled- which usually means he will stay home, but for whatever reason he decided to go). 

The topic for the day was Healing a Broken Heart. Now, this is a Rick Warren series and was based on the 6 Stages of Grief. When the talk began, the Pastor Ben talked a lot about death and even showed a clip from after Rick Warren's son passed away and him and his wife talking about their grief. 

As the talk continues, it kind of hits me. This talk isn't about death for Phil and I. They defined grief as "our heart breaking when we lose something of value". There it is, God steps up in a big way. I now understand why Phil had to come to church with me. I think God wanted to make sure we were healing our broken hearts over our fertility issues. As the talk continues, I feel like God is standing there saying "Hey Amanda! Hi! Over here! Yeah, this if for you!"

The 6 stages of grief:

Shock- finding out that we weren't able to conceive a baby. Not on our own and probably not even with help.

Sorrow- extremely overwhelming sadness to know that there will never be a child that has your eyes or your personality. That I will never get to experience being pregnant (the good the bad or the ugly!)

Struggle- why me, why us. I have always wanted a big family. Always. Even when it wasn't cool and all my friends said they didn't think they ever wanted kids. I. ALWAYS. DID. Why does this have to happen to us?

Surrender- understanding God must have a bigger plan. Something great in store. Okay God, take it from here- lead us where we need to go. From Children's services to Catholic Charities.

Sanctification- keeping the faith, understanding that there is a plan (okay, I don't 100% have a good explanation here)

Service- I have thought a lot about this. What can I do, how can I help someone else going through this? I'm still working on it. I feel like part of my service is this blog. Maybe, someone, somewhere will read this and understand that it is hard- this process is long and it is trying of your faith, but I know that God has a plan and that it will be worth it.

I continue to think about a few other things that our Pastor said:

*God will take you to a place you cannot see today.

*God wants to heal our broken hearts by inviting us to be present (don't stuff it, express it), be patient (don't get over it, walk through it), and be positive (don't despair, choose joy).

On the video we watched, Kay Warren (in talking about her son's death) said something to the extent of she was devastated, but not destroyed. When people ask her how she is, she tells them I'll be okay, even when she feels horrible. That sums things up a lot of the time. Now I understand, death and fertility issues are completely different. But, there are a lot of the same feelings. 

Well that's all. I just felt like I had to share this, just to make sure God hears me say "Yup, got it! I'll be over here waiting... as long as it takes!"

"Maternity" Photos!

A few months ago while Pinteresting things about Adoption, I stumbled upon someone who had done adoption "maternity" photos. 

I.fell.in.love. 

New I had to have them! Such a cute idea. So my wonderful cousin Jess of Seedling Photography (out of the Columbus, Ohio area) volunteered to try out the idea while we were on vacation in Michigan this summer. So I set to work creating some props and putting together ideas. I couldn't have imagined better pictures! Oh my goodness. Here are my faves!



Thank you Pinterest for helping me learn that spray paint and stickers make such cute signs!

So... I wanted to save these 3 images and share them when we finally get "the big news" but I loved them too much to not share them!

This idea is also from Pinterest and I thought it was too cute. I love the whole Growing in my Heart idea :)

Again- Thank you, thank you, thank you to Jess! What a talent you have :)

If you're in the Columbus area you really need to check her out!

Perspective and Understanding

All day, everyday we walk around with our own feelings. The adoption process is long and lonely and some parts of it are extrememly hard to explain, especially how you feel throughout it. Not to say people can't or don't try to understand what I'm going through or can't be emphathetic. And it sounds cliche to say- you can't understand because you aren't going through it- but sometimes you really can't. Like, I'll never know what it's like to be pregnant. You hear some people talk about their crazy hormones or pregnancy brain and I can imagine that, but I can't really understand. That's what my post is about today. Understanding and Perspective. 

I was having a conversation and getting extrememly upset because someone did not understand why a certain situation would be so important. Of course at the time, I couldn't get the words out- I just cried. I became outraged because they didn't seem to see the importance. Now looking back it was silly. It is one of those situations where someone doesn't understand because they have never gone through it or known someone who has gone through it. Instead of getting upset, I needed to pause and explain everything. This goes back to the whole reason I started this blog. To help people understand. So today, I'm going to share something else that unless you have been through an adoption or been close to someone who has gone through an adoption, you might not know. So here goes...

If you're a parent, I'm sure you remember the first time you ever saw your child at the hospital (ok, it may be hard to remember, but I'm sure you at least remember parts of that day!) As adoptive parents, this is something that will be equally if not a more- monumental occasion. It is that day when the birth parents will give the greatest gift that can ever be given- a child. Sometimes there is a small ceremony where the birth parents sign papersstating their intent to give the baby to the adoptive parents- kind of like getting the keys to your new car, but wayyyyyyy better :) !!  Now, imagine not being there for that? There are some cases where this doesn't happen- mostly in closed adoptions. Since we are planning an open adoption we will be able to be there the day our baby is born and take it home just like you would if you gave birth. 

So that's it, I'm done being preachy today. I myself need to remember that people are not being insensitive when they say things. It's hard. If I snap at you, I'm sorry. Just please remember in any situation, ask questions before you assume things. And this goes for a wide variety of topics. 

Happy Saturday :) Hope everyone is enjoying some of nice weather! 

Thoughts

We just got home from spending a fun week in Michigan (okay, the weather was more like October) and getting our adoption pictures taken. I started re-reading the Hunger Games. I have to get ready for the next movie! Anyway, I was trying to find a bookmark when I found a bible verse from church and it just seemed so fitting...

Proverbs 16:9- We can make plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

Isn't that true? We've made plans to adopt, but now we have to wait until the timing is just perfect.

Well, here's to waiting!

Adoption is another word for love...

Wowza... thank you to everyone who read my first post and has reached out to us via conversations or all types of social media.  It means alot to know that so many people are supporting us during this journey! We appreciate your continued support and prayers more than you know!

I titled this post Adoption is another word for love after searching via Pinterest all morning (I apologize to anyone who follows me on Pinterest for the flood of Adoption photos, qoutes, etc!) This quote seemed so appropriate today. I was searching for ideas for our upcoming Adoption Photo shoot (I AM SO EXCITED!!) 

My wonderful cousin Jess of Seedling Photography (if you need photos in the Columbus area- check out her website at http://www.seedling-photography.com) is going to be taking pictures for us at our annual Stotzer family reunion at Glen Lake in Michigan and I couldn't be more excited! Now, this is a newer trend in photography and there aren't a ton of ideas online so I've been brainstorming and searching, talking to friends, and trying to use plays on words for cute ideas. Our vacaction is less than 2 weeks away so I have to get busy if I'm going to be crafty. I found a few ideas, but many of the photo ideas I see online seem to be the same (honestly, there are only about 5 different families who have these types of pictures up online). The few others I am finding are of families adopting from different countries using cute maps and globes as props. So far I have located a child sized rocking chair which seems to be a pretty popular prop. If anyone has any fabulous ideas, feel free to send them my way! 

The only other update I really have is that I had a long conversation with our adoption assessor late last week. She is going to be going on maternity leave in less than a month so I'll have to address other people in the offices for any questions. We talked a great deal about making our Child Checklist broader (that's the checklist of everything from race to sex for the baby). It has a will consider box or will not consider box for like 1000 different things. Ours was pretty narrow and was limiting our views by birthmothers. I found out that if a birthmother came in and said she was drinking or smoking marijuana before she realized she was pregnant, our profile wasn't be shown due to some of our checklist characteristics. I know tons of great Moms who even once they know they're pregnant have indulged in (small amounts) of alcohol throughout their pregnancy. To me, this doesn't make them a bad Mom. Not to mention my assessor told me like 20 stories about babies who's Moms used alcohol or drugs for part or most of their pregnancy and the babies have turned out fine. (No, I am not naive enough to think that is the norm or that every baby who is exposed to these things comes out fine- however everything is a constant risk in life and you have to decide what you are willing to face and where you must fold.)

Anyway, after my conversation with our assessor, I talked to Phil and explained everything to him. Phil and I decided that we needed to change a lot of our checklist. Let me be real here. When we first filled it out, we were... selfish (hard to admit) or concerned with what others might think or assume when they saw us with a baby. We don't have any close friends or family who have adopted. We also have some people in our lives who we aren't completely sure of their tolerance/acceptance level of certain things. However, we've talked alot about it and I know I've prayed a lot about it and have just decided that there are things we left out of our original checklist for the sake of other people's acceptance or comfort level that are no longer a priority or concern. I'm not saying we don't value those people anymore, don't get me wrong. We just decided that we won't let other people's thoughts or opinions hold us back in our adoption process. I'm sure some people are questioning exactly what I'm talking about as I dance around this topic and other people may assume they already know, but I'm going to leave it at that. All that is really important is that we have updated our profile to include children of a variety of races and abilities and we put our faith in God finding the perfect child to join our family. I'm hoping these decisions will open us up to more birthmothers and take us one step closer to finding our baby.

Another thing I learned is that even though there are 20 families waiting to adopt through our agency (there were 12 when we first joined) that summer is a slow time. Last summer the agency only had no birthmothers at this time and this summer they had 3, which is good news. Our assessor also told me that it usually picks up in the fall (hmm... I wonder why? All those summer nights where people are out having a good itme...) so hopefully with our new profile we'll have a good opportunity to be viewed in the fall.

Thank you again to everyone for all of your support, it means the world to us! 

Our Adoption Journey (so far!)

I am not writer or a blogger. So I’ll do my best here. 

I do have to warn you. This post is very personal. And pretty darn long! I've had a lot of questions about everything we have been through on our way to adoption and I decided to use this as an outlet to let other's know a little more.

Anyway, over the past few months, I have met some women who I can only think were put in my path by God for a reason. Our conversations start out like any other and then suddenly they take a turn. These women have experienced some of the most heartbreaking, life-changing news- that they will not be able to conceive children on their own. I truly understand what they are going through, as I received that news myself over 3 years ago now. It is a feeling that I cannot describe.

I had always had a feeling that I wouldn’t be able to have kids. Call it women’s intuition I suppose. I always thought my family would happen through adoption. When I was 19, I was told it was a possibility. When Phil and I decided to get married, we talked about it- I wanted him to know there was a chance. Dah, Dah, Dah, Dahhhh- we got married and lived happily ever after for awhile. Then I got baby fever.

After trying for about 8 months- I talked to my dr. She was actually a midwife I do believe. Anyway, she said before we tried any fertility drugs I needed to go have this super awesome procedure done called an HSG- it has some super long name. Anyway, the hope is that it will clean out your lady parts. It was outpatient and my Mom took me (thanks Mom!) and it causes slight pain and makes you feel pretty nauseous, but you’re good to go within a day. After that I started on Clomid and had to go in for blood work and ultrasounds. I also switched to a real gyno, (goodbye mean midwife!) and we found out that the clomid didn’t help. So they bumped the dose (which made me feel like an insane, crazy, out of control awful mess). Guess what, still nothing. My doctor did some tests and sent Phil for some tests. Then she said hmmm… I think you need to see a fertility specialist. Okay great.

Luckily, God inserted someone into my life at that exact time going through the same things I was and she recommended a specialist who is very well known. Cool right? Yeah, so in November of 2010 I went to meet him. Things were going great until he said- “After reviewing all of your test results and other information- we determined that you getting pregnant on your own is less than a 5% chance”. BAM. There is that heartbreaking, life-changing news I spoke of before. I honestly think that is all I heard, good thing my Mom was there (yet again) to ask all of the important questions that I couldn’t even think about at this point. They gave us paperwork that explained how IVF would be our best option giving us a 30-70% chance of getting pregnant (IVF- In Vitro Fertilization- google it for more info, it basically is mixing things together in the outside world before carefully inserting tem inside the woman). But due to family history, there is no guarantee that I would ever carry a baby full term. Best part is, for those great chances they were offering- it would cost us close to $15,000. Talk about a complete shock.

In the back of my mind, I was thinking I would walk into that office- they’d say we can help you get pregnant and we’d have a baby 10 months later. Anyway, I took the info home- Phil and I talked. We decided okay, lets do it. Phil has this super fun medical fund that had money in it and we could use that to cover most of the costs. Luckily, we decided to double check. WRONG. We would not be able to use that money to cover the costs. Yikes, good thing we checked!

Back to square one- I could not see spending that much money and not getting pregnant. After a few weeks, Phil agreed. We talked about adoption. Phil wasn’t sure (a lot of times we think of fertility issues only affecting the woman- however it is also a lot of stress on the man- many divorces happen because of infertility issues).  While he was working things out in his mind I started looking up things about adoption. 

Just then, God inserted yet another important person into my life- BOOM. Someone who is a foster parent and has been for many years. We discussed a lot and I found out about some classes starting in January to become foster/adoptive parents through Children Services. Phil got on board. We started classes in January- 36 hours of fun filled training. We learned a ton- really. The biggest thing I walked away with was realizing how important it is to have the birth family involved- whether you foster or adopt a child. Anyway, we finished in April. Insert huuuuuuuuge waiting period where our caseworker began our homestudy, then disappeared off the face of the earth. She quit and our case got lost. Oh cool. However, I am the queen of being annoying when I want something. In September of 2012 it was finally done! Woohoo!

-In case you are not familiar- a homestudy is when a worker comes out to your house, asks you tons of personal questions on multiple visits, and looks around your house (to make sure it is safe). You also have to have a fire inspection and lots of other little quirky things (fire escape plan on the fridge, fire extinguisher in the kitchen, records readily available about vaccinations for our dog, a room set up for the baby- crib and all, baby gates, and we child proofed the house.)

In August (right before our homestudy was approved) I started a new job. So in September we started getting calls for babies. Now, as a foster/adoptive parent you fill out a checklist about what you’re willing to accept into your home (it’s approximately 5 pages long and ranges from age and race to sleeping problems and behaviors.) We were specific and explained that we were looking for an infant that would most likely never be returned to their parents. (Fostering is about re-unification when it is in the best interest of the child, however there are cases where re-unification is not in the best interest of the child and children services already knows that- for example, a mother has 5 children who are all removed and gets pregnant again- she might have drugs in her system when the baby is born and then the child is removed. There is no guarantee that she won’t straighten up, however if she didn’t do it for the other 5 there is a good chance she won’t change this time. We would take that baby even though there is a chance it would have be re-unified) Anyway, that is the type of situation we were looking for. We received calls. However, each time- we felt un-prepared. Yes, we knew it was a possibility but there is no real way to prepare yourself for a call that says “there is a baby that needs picked up at the hospital at 5pm today can you do it?” They give you other information, don’t get me wrong- but in the end that is their true question. If you know me, you’ll know I’m a planner. I thought I could handle that question. Um, not so much. I would freak every time they called. I just started a new job, I can’t take off work! That is pretty much what went through my head.

Phil was feeling the same way and finally we talked about it. I wanted to know about a baby ahead of time, which just really isn’t possible for foster care. I think it would be different if I already had a child and had some sort of expectation for what having a baby would really be like. So we decided to look into a private agency. Insert someone God placed into my life in college who had experienced Catholic Charities first hand. Without her I would have had no true understanding of adoption or what an open adoption meant.

-Open Adoption is when a birth mother chooses a family for the baby. They have an open relationship with visits and pictures. The child is taught how heroic the birthmother was for giving up the baby to a family who couldn’t have their own children. It sounds scary, but there are guidelines- birthmoms don’t call you at 3am and tell you what you can or can’t do with the baby. Open adoption teaches the child that they are extra special and have even more people who care about them.

Okay, back on topic. We met with Catholic Charities. We talked to Children’s Services and explained how we were feeling. Normally, you cannot transfer information between agencies, but after everything we went through with our homestudy- they decided to go ahead and let us transfer our information to Catholic Charities (HOORAY!).

So that brings us to today. We became a Catholic Charities family in January and are currently waiting for just the right birthmom to pick us. Please continue to pray for us as this is a constant journey.

Feel free to share your thoughts or comments. If you know someone dealing with these issues, I'd love to explain more. There is a strong fear of the unknown. I’ve been there and it is a scary place when you don’t know anyone else. I’m thankful for this experience because I feel like God put us on this path for a reason. 

I get questions constantly about how our adoption stuff is going, but I don’t mind. I don’t mind questions and I don’t mind sharing our story. Maybe it will help someone else through a very difficult time.