I started this post yesterday when someone
was sleeping… and then he woke up and wanted to eat and then he was fussy… next
thing I know it’s Wednesday!
First off, Happy Adoption Awareness Month!
It has officially been 6 weeks since we
found out that Wesley was coming into our lives. What a whirlwind it has been.
I want to thank everyone for their love and support, we feel so blessed to have
you all in our lives!
Today marks a very important date. Let me
back track for a minute. In the state of Ohio, birthparents can sign a TPR
after 72 hours (termination of parental rights). Wes’s birth mother signed this
on October 13 and Wes came home with us. Because Wes’s birth father was not
involved and did not sign these papers, before we can legally adopt Wesley-
there had to be a report made to the Putative Father Registry. This is where
men can claim a child when a mother decides to terminate her rights and create
an adoption plan for a child. The father then has 30 days to claim the child.
We got word today that our 30 days is up and there was no match! This is one
less thing to stress over in the case of adoption. Now we just have to wait for
finalization (which will probably be in April).
In honor of adoption awareness month, I
have been on the search for an article that explains open adoption. This is
something that a lot of people have questions about and even though many people
know someone who knows someone that has adopted, etc- there are still a lot of
questions and most people don’t really understand open adoption. Unfortunately,
I haven’t found any articles that I really liked or that answered many of the
questions we have been getting- so I decided to try and explain it myself… here
goes!
What
is open adoption?
Open adoption looks differently in every
case. Basically it means continuing contact with birth parents (in some cases
this includes their extended families). This may be through visits, letters,
emails, texts, skype, pictures, video, etc. Each triad (birthparents, adoptive
parents, and adopted child) create a plan that is right for them. For us, we
will continue contact with Wesley’s birthmother through visits, pictures,
texts. Phil and I were thrilled to be matched with a birthmother who wanted an
open adoption with visits. (Most agencies will not have a closed adoption
unless it is something that birthparents feel strongly about, even then- their
names are still typically disclosed to the adoptive family).
Why
an open adoption?
We would never hide that Wesley is adopted
(and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t believe us if we tried to convince him
otherwise!) Adoption is his story and it makes him special. It means he has
even more people who love him. Open adoption allows him to ask questions and
understand where he came from and why his birthmother created an adoption plan
for him. He will be able to ask questions about his medical history, find out
that he gets his dimples from his grandmother, or that his uncles played soccer
too. Someday he might have other biological siblings that he would like to get
to know. Does that mean that he won’t care that his Grandma and Grandpa greeted
him when he came home from the hospital, that his Mom loved being in musicals
in high school, or that his first movie was the Lego Movie snuggled up with his
Daddy on the couch? NOT. AT. ALL. Adoption isn’t a dirty secret. It is awesome.
It is his story. It is the truth.
I
watched a movie that an adopted child got taken back. Are you worried he’ll get
taken away someday?
No. Just like I explained above- once we
finalize, Wesley is officially our son and can’t be taken away. His birthmother
knew she wasn’t in a place where she could parent him. Does she love him? Oh my
yes. Does she want to see him as much as possible? Of course. She knows she
made the right decision, even though it was incredibly difficult for her.
What’s
his birthmom like? What’s your relationship like?
Amazing. Selfless. Giving. Honest.
Understanding. Beautiful. I can’t say enough great things about her. She is
from Africa and has lived in the US for a few years now. She works in the
accounting department of a department store, teaches modeling classes, and is
going to be starting college for accounting soon. Our relationship is
constantly evolving. We met her less than a week before Wes was born so we spent
our time in the hospital getting to know her. We talk via text often and are
looking forward to our first visit with her in December. We have a lot in
common and I can’t wait to continue on this awesome journey with her.
How
will you explain this to Wesley? Won’t it be confusing for him?
We will start early by talking about his
birthmom. We will share some of the fabulous adoption books that are out there.
We’ll talk about how Wesley grew in her tummy, but she couldn’t take care of
him so she chose us to be his mommy and daddy. We’ll talk about how much she loves him and that she wanted
what was best for him. This story will evolve as he gets older and develops a relationship
with his birthmom.
Does
his birthmom tell you what he can or can’t do? Does she make his decisions?
In short, no- we are his parents. We will
establish boundaries in our relationship. Do we respect her opinion?
Absolutely. If there was something she really wanted him to do or not do, we
would definitely take it into account. It’s part of our openness. His birthmom
wants what is best for him, she isn’t going to make weird demands.
So I hope that answers some of your
questions. Please remember, these are my opinions and thoughts and are no way
the only way open adoptions take place. Everyone has a different experience.
This is our story. I’m so glad you’re all apart of it. Thank
you for the continued prayers and support. Love you all!
