I haven't posted in awhile, because honestly
there hasn't been anything to share.
Awhile back, we got an email saying we had been
shown to a birth mother, however we weren't chosen. That was difficult to hear
and made me question- why not us? However, I have found strength in the fact
that it obviously wasn't the right time and situation. I hope the family that
was chosen knows just how lucky they are and I pray that things are going well
for them.
Today however was an extreme down. I got an email
from our agency that cut like a knife. The director of the program let me know
that our homestudy is currently only approved for adoption. I'm sure you're
thinking- "isn't that what you want to do?" Absolutely, however the
way it works is that for the first 30-90 days a child who is to be adopted is
in foster care. What this means is that if a birthmother chose us, we would not
be allowed to take baby home until AFTER they were adopted (30-90 days). If
you're a parent, could you imagine someone telling you that you can't take your
baby home from the hospital? That you have to let a stranger take care of your
child for that amount of time? Sometimes when I share these things with people,
it is hard for them to think of it in that way. Let me tell you, that child
would be ours and it is exactly the same- even if we are not related by blood. Needless
to say, I was completely devastated. I can't put into the words the places that
takes you.
When you find out you can't have your own
children, there is a grieving period. It takes time to get past that. I had
always felt like that would be what I had to do to have children. It was never
a secret-as long as I can remember, that I wanted a whole crazy house full of
kids. Phil took time to grieve the loss of having our own children before we
decided to adopt. This takes you back to that. It's like experiencing that loss
all over again.
To find out that all of this was happening, via
email, was extremely hard. (I mean really, a phone call would have been better
and I nicely explained that to our agency). When we transferred into our
agency, there were fees we had to pay. In the email, it explained that to
remedy this issue there would be fees (of course!), we would need to redo 36
hours of training (we’ve been working on the 24 hours we already needed to
renew our home study, which no longer would count), and we would have to completely
redo our home study. Doesn’t sound like a big deal? Trust me, do all of the
things required for a home study. There are visits by a social worker, visits to
the doctor, classes, visits by the fire department, paying people to check your
house hold appliances… just to name a few… it is a BIG deal.
Not to mention, we have been with our agency for
a year and half and had met back in January to discuss our case. Why was none
of this discovered over that period? We changed from children’s services to a
private agency because we thought it would be better. Now our agency doesn’t
have things right either?? (On the bright side, there are procedures now in
place to make sure that it never happens again. I’m glad about that because I
don’t think I would wish this on my worst enemy.)
Overall, It just sort of hit me like a brick
today. We felt like God lead us to our agency. I have faith that God has a plan
for us, but now I’m just not sure that I know what his exact plan is… maybe we
aren’t meant to be here either. (To put this into perspective- on Thursday, we will have been trying to have a baby for four years.)
Anyway, only time will tell…
Until then, I will continue to keep the faith-
even when it knocks me to my knees.
