Adoption Awareness Month: What is Open Adoption?

I started this post yesterday when someone was sleeping… and then he woke up and wanted to eat and then he was fussy… next thing I know it’s Wednesday!

First off, Happy Adoption Awareness Month!

It has officially been 6 weeks since we found out that Wesley was coming into our lives. What a whirlwind it has been. I want to thank everyone for their love and support, we feel so blessed to have you all in our lives!

Today marks a very important date. Let me back track for a minute. In the state of Ohio, birthparents can sign a TPR after 72 hours (termination of parental rights). Wes’s birth mother signed this on October 13 and Wes came home with us. Because Wes’s birth father was not involved and did not sign these papers, before we can legally adopt Wesley- there had to be a report made to the Putative Father Registry. This is where men can claim a child when a mother decides to terminate her rights and create an adoption plan for a child. The father then has 30 days to claim the child. We got word today that our 30 days is up and there was no match! This is one less thing to stress over in the case of adoption. Now we just have to wait for finalization (which will probably be in April).

In honor of adoption awareness month, I have been on the search for an article that explains open adoption. This is something that a lot of people have questions about and even though many people know someone who knows someone that has adopted, etc- there are still a lot of questions and most people don’t really understand open adoption. Unfortunately, I haven’t found any articles that I really liked or that answered many of the questions we have been getting- so I decided to try and explain it myself… here goes!

What is open adoption?

Open adoption looks differently in every case. Basically it means continuing contact with birth parents (in some cases this includes their extended families). This may be through visits, letters, emails, texts, skype, pictures, video, etc. Each triad (birthparents, adoptive parents, and adopted child) create a plan that is right for them. For us, we will continue contact with Wesley’s birthmother through visits, pictures, texts. Phil and I were thrilled to be matched with a birthmother who wanted an open adoption with visits. (Most agencies will not have a closed adoption unless it is something that birthparents feel strongly about, even then- their names are still typically disclosed to the adoptive family).

Why an open adoption?

We would never hide that Wesley is adopted (and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t believe us if we tried to convince him otherwise!) Adoption is his story and it makes him special. It means he has even more people who love him. Open adoption allows him to ask questions and understand where he came from and why his birthmother created an adoption plan for him. He will be able to ask questions about his medical history, find out that he gets his dimples from his grandmother, or that his uncles played soccer too. Someday he might have other biological siblings that he would like to get to know. Does that mean that he won’t care that his Grandma and Grandpa greeted him when he came home from the hospital, that his Mom loved being in musicals in high school, or that his first movie was the Lego Movie snuggled up with his Daddy on the couch? NOT. AT. ALL. Adoption isn’t a dirty secret. It is awesome. It is his story. It is the truth.

I watched a movie that an adopted child got taken back. Are you worried he’ll get taken away someday?

No. Just like I explained above- once we finalize, Wesley is officially our son and can’t be taken away. His birthmother knew she wasn’t in a place where she could parent him. Does she love him? Oh my yes. Does she want to see him as much as possible? Of course. She knows she made the right decision, even though it was incredibly difficult for her.

What’s his birthmom like? What’s your relationship like?

Amazing. Selfless. Giving. Honest. Understanding. Beautiful. I can’t say enough great things about her. She is from Africa and has lived in the US for a few years now. She works in the accounting department of a department store, teaches modeling classes, and is going to be starting college for accounting soon. Our relationship is constantly evolving. We met her less than a week before Wes was born so we spent our time in the hospital getting to know her. We talk via text often and are looking forward to our first visit with her in December. We have a lot in common and I can’t wait to continue on this awesome journey with her.

How will you explain this to Wesley? Won’t it be confusing for him?

We will start early by talking about his birthmom. We will share some of the fabulous adoption books that are out there. We’ll talk about how Wesley grew in her tummy, but she couldn’t take care of him so she chose us to be his mommy and daddy.  We’ll talk about how much she loves him and that she wanted what was best for him. This story will evolve as he gets older and develops a relationship with his birthmom.

Does his birthmom tell you what he can or can’t do? Does she make his decisions?

In short, no- we are his parents. We will establish boundaries in our relationship. Do we respect her opinion? Absolutely. If there was something she really wanted him to do or not do, we would definitely take it into account. It’s part of our openness. His birthmom wants what is best for him, she isn’t going to make weird demands.

So I hope that answers some of your questions. Please remember, these are my opinions and thoughts and are no way the only way open adoptions take place. Everyone has a different experience.

 This is our story. I’m so glad you’re all apart of it. Thank you for the continued prayers and support. Love you all!

No words...

Surreal.  That is the only way to describe this.

Late last Friday night, after deciding to not go out of town because of crappy weather- we received an email from our agency saying that there was a birthmom interested in meeting with us and a few other families. She was due on Tuesday the following week and they wanted to know if we were interested. We said sure and set up a meeting for Sunday in Cincinnati. On Saturday, we decided to go set up a registry at Babies-r-Us. With all the quick placements I had seen popping up lately, I decided why not?

Sunday came and we met with the birthmom. She was amazing. We kind of fell in love with her and as hard as it was to keep things “in checK’” as adoption is so unpredictable, I did. I talked to some of my adoption support group friends and held in the news that we had met with a birthmom since we knew we wouldn’t find out if we were picked until Monday.

On Monday, I dropped my kids off at their special and came back to my room and checked my email. Sure enough, I had an email from the agency. I think my heart literally stopped. It said “ I spoke with Mame this morning. She would like to be matched with your family.” There was more, but I didn’t read it. I jumped out of my seat and ran next door to tell my good friend Lisa. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I of course immediately proceeded to tell my other dear friend Sarah and call my principal (because I’m just so responsible and knew I needed a sub!)

I kept the secret all day. I spent the day with my secret glow and trying to decide how to tell everyone else. I called my Mom to try to convince her to go out to dinner with us so we could tell her. She kept telling me no. She had “scrabble night” with her friends.

Finally, I made it home and we took these sweet photos that we used to tell our friends and family.

My Dad and my sister refused to answer their phones, so they were about the last people in the world to find out. I spent the rest of the night chatting with family and friends.

I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am to Mame for giving us this gift. I can’t put into words how much all the well wishes and support everyone is giving to us means. This is the best kind of whirlwind. I haven’t been able to sleep at night. I have been at work 14 hours the past few days in an attempt to get things around for my subs.

Flash to today… get a text from Mame saying she is in a lot of pain and heading to the hospital! Freak out! I was still at school. I think I did 65 most of the way home… finally made it and threw stuff together and ran out the door. On the way we found out she wasn’t in labor so we pulled off to grab some dinner while we waited for the doctors to decide if they were going to induce her. They decided not tonight and that she could just come in for her appointment tomorrow. We had gotten back on the highway at this point and got stopped on 75 where there was an awful accident that closed down 75. We finally made it back to our house 3 hours later.

So tomorrow we are going to her doctor appt which is super exciting (we’re hoping to get to see an ultrasound J !! ) and she has another appointment on Monday if he doesn’t show his face over the weekend.

Sorry this post is all over the place. I can barely form words and sentences because I am so excited (and overly exhausted as I haven’t been able to sleep due to excitement!)

But seriously, to all of our friends/family/co-workers… THANK YOU SO MUCH!

A super huge thank you to Kelly for all over her “buy this don’t buy that” tips (don’t worry- I bought gas drops tonight!). Thank you to Lori for loaning us the bassinet. And an enormous I don’t even have a clue how to ever repay you thank you to Sara and Adam for loaning us pretty much everything under the sun (car seats to clothes)- you saved my life (and bank account!)

If I made errors in this, I’m sorry. I don’t even have the energy to re-read.

Love you all and we will keep you updated on Baby Ross updated J J

Rough. Day.

I don’t have anything new to share.

This is one of those “just waiting” posts. I just felt like I had a lot on my heart. Today was just particularly difficult, for no apparent reason. I woke up and my heart just hurt. And I'm warning you in advance, this post is literally ALL OVER THE PLACE. There is no point, I just needed to vent.

I belong to a few online support groups for adoption and there has been a ton of action lately (aka, lots of births and lots of families being chosen- up to 3+ per day) which is awesome, unless you’re just waiting. It’s like when your friends tell you they’re pregnant or they have a baby. You’re honestly so happy for them because you love them, but secretly-you’d rather go hide in the bathroom and cry.

I’ve been trying to throw myself into work to keep myself occupied. People are constantly telling me that I spend way too much time at school, but the alternative is going home where so often my mind wanders to that closed door in the upstairs that hides that beautiful nursery that remains empty. My class this year is great and I love them to pieces. Sometimes to the point where I feel guilty for wanting a baby so badly, because it means I won’t be with them all the time.

This was posted in the support group today…

I just have to keep reminding myself. 

God has a plan. 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

So, the wait continues…

P.S. To my fellow waiting families, this blog post is too funny. You should probably check it out, or if you’re a parent- you may enjoy her other posts!

http://www.scarymommy.com/baby-shower-envy/

A Rollercoaster Ride...

I can’t describe what has been going on lately as anything but a roller coaster ride. You’re up, you’re down- you feel like you might puke, then you’re excited because you realize how awesome the ride really was. 

Our new agency places a lot of babies. We have had 4 possible situations in just the last month (verse 2 years with 1).

The first situation was twins- very unique twins. We were pumped, until we found out how long they would be in the hospital 3 hours from our house. That unfortunately did not work out for us.

The second situation, twins again. Similar situation, huge hospital stay over 2 hours from our house. Again. Doesn’t work for us.

The third situation- twins. (Are you sensing a pattern?? My mom had triplet dreams about us a long time ago so the idea of twins make me laugh). Anyway- super excited. Then the mother decides she isn’t sure about adoption. TOTALLY BUMMED.

Later that day- we find out about another baby (yes, just one- is it weird that I was slightly disappointed? I was just starting to get used to the idea of twins!) We find out, she picked us and we’ll meet soon. Hooray! Happy Dance! Everything we finally have been waiting for is going to happen! We need to go buy stuff, baby is due in a little over a month. Holy smokes, panic sets in. Then, I get a text. Oops, Mom changed her mind.

And here we are. Back at the beginning. Starting the ride all over again. I am soooooo ready to get off this ride.

Keep praying, our baby (or babies!!) are out there somewhere…

Keep on Keepin' on...

Well, we’ve had a few things happen in the past few weeks so I figured I would share. We have officially changed agencies! Yay! I have talked to multiple people who have used the agency and just rave about them- so I think that is a good sign!

I had mentioned that our homestudy needed updated. We met with our new case worker and she is super sweet! She came over last week to finish up some paperwork. We are waiting on just a few more things and our homestudy will be completely transferred and updated. (We had to have a few things updated which means more money -Things like- medical statements from Urgent care, getting a fire inspection, and getting BCI/FBI checks again. At least it will all be worth it- and hopefully soon!!)

They asks for a whole book to show parents- 26 copies to be exact. (Catholic Charities asked for 3 copies of 4 pages of scrapbooked pages). So I have spent a HUGE amount of time creating a soft cover photo book. A woman in the adoption group I am part of was so sweet and contacted me and told me about Clark Color who was running a Buy 1, Get 2 free book deal so I scored my books for a great price. They arrived over the weekend and minus the fact that I accidentally cut the top of Phil’s head off in a few pictures (sorry babe!) they came out adorable. See picture below of the cover.

Anyway, I spent today getting all of our books shipped out. Wow! I had no idea how much it would cost to ship things (I Had to send the books to 9 different places). I also had to make a flyer about us that can be sent out to potential birth parents when they call and ask for information. 

So that is pretty much it for now. Please please please say some extra prayers this week that our books arrive to all of the caseworkers and that we can begin to be shown to birth parents. Hooray for the next leg of our journey!

Love, AManda

Time Flies... or not

Time flies. That statement couldn’t be more true and false. It’s hard to believe that we are within 3 months of needing to renew our home study (they are good for 2 years). That means we’ve been waiting for 2 years now. That puts a pit in my stomach just thinking about it. What a long, frustrating, disappointing journey this has been.

It is time to turn over a new leaf. After all of the issues we had with Catholic Charities, I began looking into other adoption agencies in Ohio over the past few months. After a lot of research (and praying!) we have decided to change agencies.

The agency we are changing to actually fell into my lap. I joined an adoption support group on Facebook and started talking to other families from Ohio. The agency has a great reputation (families repeatedly using them to adopt and they even have reviews through google that are all extremely positive). Here’s the real crazy thing- THEY NEED FAMILIES!! Yes, I had a hard time believing this myself. The agency has only 20 families currently waiting and they place 55-60 babies per year. They have seen matches recently as fast as 2 weeks or as long as 18 months depending on what you are looking for in a placement. This agency is a bit more expensive (which has had Phil a bit worried) but we really believe this is where we need to be.

I am very happy and excited to turn over this new leaf. I spoke with the director today, followed up by 2 emails of my questions (which were responded to very quickly! Hooray for being timely!) We even have things started to update our home study in July.

Please pray that things go smoothly and that this leads to us finally starting our family!

Prayer Request

I’m not gonna lie, this past week has been pretty awful. We had two full days of review rotations for the OAA’s and a whole day of testing. My patience is thin. 

We got our first round of bad news on Tuesday with a promise of a follow up the next day. Fast forward to today when I still hadn’t heard back and emailed them to check in. I got a call around 4:10pm today. I’d like to say they had great news, but it wasn’t. After sitting in tears in my classroom listening to the administrative assistant for 25 minutes, I tried to find something positive out of the conversation- but there just isn’t anything.

Our 36 hours of training we did when we first got out Foster Care license expired, had this error been found sooner it wouldn’t have been an issue- but because it has been so long they basically no longer exist. We have to start all over.

The 12 hours of training we have done that we thought was going towards our renewal, doesn’t count for anything (the really bad part of this is that I used my personal time to attend the training and missed parent teacher conferences- FOR NOTHING!)

We have to take 12 hours of training to get a new Foster Care license for Infant Adoption only, however since our agency finally capped at 40 families- they are no longer offering this training. So we are on our own to find the 12 hours of training in certain areas that we need to meet this requirement. We can take the 36 hour course again through Children's Services if we’d like or we can try to contact another private adoption agency and pay for the training (approximately $1500). If we take the class through Children's Services, we can't take it until August (during back to school time... 2 nights a week for 6 weeks).

We have until August 27th to figure this out and obtain the 12 hours of training and pay a $900 fee to fix the homestudy. Otherwise, we have to pay a $450 fee to renew our old study and then pay the $900 whenever we can get the hours completed.  On top of that we have to pay to take CPR and First Aid Training, pay someone to come out and inspect our furnace, get the Fire Department to come and do another fire inspection, and be re-questioned to complete another homestudy and have assessor visits.

I would have to say the worst part of the entire conversation was when she told us we could just leave everything how it is. If we did that then the baby would “just go into cradle (foster) care for the first 40 or so days. Then you can them home. It goes by fast, it’s a good option in this case. It’s not a huge deal”. This may be extremely rude, but do you know what my response was? It went something like this…

Me- “Let me stop you right there, have you had a child in Foster Care?”

Girl- “Well no, but-”


Me (cutting her off) “Then I don’t think you can tell me that it’s not a big deal or that it goes by fast.”

Girl- "Well, that's what it seems like the families have thought-"

Me- "I highly doubt any family thought not having their baby for over a month went by fast or that it wasn't a big deal. I think they would be devastated."

At this point, I’m sobbing and done and couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. There have been many an occasion that I have thought “Man, it would be great to have a worker who actually understands this side of the situation or that has gone through this” and this was definitely one of those times. It makes me want to go back to school. Anyway, I’ve said it before, but I don’t think people understand that this is our future child. It’s not a toy or a dog. It is OUR CHILD. Would you voluntarily put your child in Foster Care?? I can’t even imagine.

Anyway, that is the update- my personal devastation. My horrible, depressing, angry, tearful, probably rude, heartbreaking, and irate feelings. So I’m asking for prayers. Lots and lots and lots of prayers because I don’t know what else to do at this point. I am putting all of my faith into the thought that God has a plan that I just cannot see right now.

P.S. And I ask this, if you’ve seen me this week and I was short or bad tempered or rude to you. I’m sorry. If over the next few weeks, you see me act like this- I’m sorry. From the bottom of my heart I am trying to not let this take over my life and I am trying to be positive, but I’m completely overwhelmed and feel like I’m swimming upstream.

Ups and Downs

I haven't posted in awhile, because honestly there hasn't been anything to share.

Awhile back, we got an email saying we had been shown to a birth mother, however we weren't chosen. That was difficult to hear and made me question- why not us? However, I have found strength in the fact that it obviously wasn't the right time and situation. I hope the family that was chosen knows just how lucky they are and I pray that things are going well for them.

Today however was an extreme down. I got an email from our agency that cut like a knife. The director of the program let me know that our homestudy is currently only approved for adoption. I'm sure you're thinking- "isn't that what you want to do?" Absolutely, however the way it works is that for the first 30-90 days a child who is to be adopted is in foster care. What this means is that if a birthmother chose us, we would not be allowed to take baby home until AFTER they were adopted (30-90 days). If you're a parent, could you imagine someone telling you that you can't take your baby home from the hospital? That you have to let a stranger take care of your child for that amount of time? Sometimes when I share these things with people, it is hard for them to think of it in that way. Let me tell you, that child would be ours and it is exactly the same- even if we are not related by blood. Needless to say, I was completely devastated. I can't put into the words the places that takes you. 

When you find out you can't have your own children, there is a grieving period. It takes time to get past that. I had always felt like that would be what I had to do to have children. It was never a secret-as long as I can remember, that I wanted a whole crazy house full of kids. Phil took time to grieve the loss of having our own children before we decided to adopt. This takes you back to that. It's like experiencing that loss all over again.

To find out that all of this was happening, via email, was extremely hard. (I mean really, a phone call would have been better and I nicely explained that to our agency). When we transferred into our agency, there were fees we had to pay. In the email, it explained that to remedy this issue there would be fees (of course!), we would need to redo 36 hours of training (we’ve been working on the 24 hours we already needed to renew our home study, which no longer would count), and we would have to completely redo our home study. Doesn’t sound like a big deal? Trust me, do all of the things required for a home study. There are visits by a social worker, visits to the doctor, classes, visits by the fire department, paying people to check your house hold appliances… just to name a few… it is a BIG deal.  

Not to mention, we have been with our agency for a year and half and had met back in January to discuss our case. Why was none of this discovered over that period? We changed from children’s services to a private agency because we thought it would be better. Now our agency doesn’t have things right either?? (On the bright side, there are procedures now in place to make sure that it never happens again. I’m glad about that because I don’t think I would wish this on my worst enemy.)

Overall, It just sort of hit me like a brick today. We felt like God lead us to our agency. I have faith that God has a plan for us, but now I’m just not sure that I know what his exact plan is… maybe we aren’t meant to be here either. (To put this into perspective- on Thursday, we will have been trying to have a baby for four years.)

Anyway, only time will tell…

Until then, I will continue to keep the faith- even when it knocks me to my knees.

Days Gone By...

It's been awhile since my last post. There isn't anything great to share. I've been reading a few people's blogs who are adopting from other countries. They constantly have something going it seems, which would be really hard. For those of you wondering why we don't just adopt from another country, partially it is the cost and partially because once you are matched with a child- typically you do not get the child until they are 2 or older.

The only news I have to share in our adoption journey is that we met with the new person in charge of the department. She seems really great and knowledgable and has some great ideas to get out in the community. We got some things straightened out and found out we need 24 hours of classes before the end of August- yikes! We also found out there are 37 families in the book, not 30 like we were told in December. This was certainly an awful thing to find out since we thought they were capping at 30- the reason for the extra people was because there were people who had already started homestudies so they couldn't say no. We also found out they would potentially let other people into the book who are more diverse (most of the couples in the book are caucasian, christian families between the ages of 25-50). Yeah- none of this was really music to my ears... but wait- there's more! When we first got with the agency they were placing a lot of children extremely quickly (17 in a year to be exact). The national average for an agency is 8-10. Well we found out things might not have been done quite right to the extent that there is a $3,000 birth mother's fund that can be used for essentials for getting ready for the baby- clothes when their's no longer fit, cab money to a doctor's appt, etc... well apparently the other person in charge was getting pretty generous with that $3,000 (that is paid by the adoptive couple when they are chosen) and buying the birth mom things that weren't baby related (like new furniture)... I won't say what I'm sure you're thinking right now. Anyway, not good and that is how they got so many babies in a year. The new woman told us that she is hoping for 10 babies a year. So if you do the math- that means we could wait 4+ years for a baby because once families are chosen they will begin taking new families at some point. In case I haven't mentioned before- there isn't an "order" to get the baby... we would be close to the top if there was!! They talk to the birth mom and see what she wants for her baby, then they cross check that list with the wants of the adoptive couple and whoever matches up is in a book for the mother to look at. 

So that's where we're at. This journey is testing my faith more than I ever could have imagined. 

I hate to admit this, but with all the snow and being out of town we haven't been to church in forever so I got in my mind that no matter what we were going to church yesterday. There was a guest pastor from Michigan who had been part of a video that our church showed at Christmas. There was a girl who had gotten pregnant at 16 and her whole family was trying to convince her to get rid of the baby. Her Mom was the only person who told her she could keep it and the weekend before she was going to get the abortion she went to stay with her Mom and went to church for the first time. Two years later, we got to meet the little girl who wouldn't have been here if it hadn't been for that young girl deciding to go to church with her Mom. So the pastor used this part of Genesis 15 for his talk...

2 But Abram said, “Sovereign Lord, what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?” 3 And Abram said, “You have given me no children; so a servant in my householdwill be my heir.”

4 Then the word of the Lord came to him: “This man will not be your heir, but a son who is your own flesh and blood will be your heir.” 5 He took him outside and said, “Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring[d] be.”

6 Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness.

Now, he also talked about how he could hear Abram just whining to the lord about how he wanted a child. It made me think, how often do I sound like that to God? This was a good reality check! I would be lying if I said there weren't days I don't whine or that I'm not angry or that I'm not often broughy to tears over our situation. It is on those days that I know more than anything, I have to be patient and have faith in whatever God's plan is for us.

So thank you to everyone who I know is praying for us everyday, we are thankful beyond words for your support!