It has been hitting me hard lately, the waiting... and waiting... and waiting. Our homestudy is good for 2 years. We passed our 1 year mark. We have 10 months left. That is not very long adn it took us so long to get it the first time. Then we have to pay to get our homestudy updated. Another cost.
And of course, there is an overwhelming amount of cute baby pictures all over facebook lately. Now, don't get me wrong- everytime one of my friends finds out they're pregnant or they have their baby- I am thrilled for them! I love looking at all the cute baby pictures and even how they're becoming adorable little toddlers! However, each time one of these announcements or pictures surfaces it is also a big reminder about what we are waiting for.
Our church started a new series called How to Get Through What You're Going Through. The week before, I was looking at the titles of the different weekends and noticed two specific titles- "When you don't understand" and "How to experience peace". The other two weeks I had a meh, whatever attitude. When I woke up Sunday morning, I asked Phil if he was going to go to church and he said ok (yes, he wasn't thrilled- which usually means he will stay home, but for whatever reason he decided to go).
The topic for the day was Healing a Broken Heart. Now, this is a Rick Warren series and was based on the 6 Stages of Grief. When the talk began, the Pastor Ben talked a lot about death and even showed a clip from after Rick Warren's son passed away and him and his wife talking about their grief.
As the talk continues, it kind of hits me. This talk isn't about death for Phil and I. They defined grief as "our heart breaking when we lose something of value". There it is, God steps up in a big way. I now understand why Phil had to come to church with me. I think God wanted to make sure we were healing our broken hearts over our fertility issues. As the talk continues, I feel like God is standing there saying "Hey Amanda! Hi! Over here! Yeah, this if for you!"
The 6 stages of grief:
Shock- finding out that we weren't able to conceive a baby. Not on our own and probably not even with help.
Sorrow- extremely overwhelming sadness to know that there will never be a child that has your eyes or your personality. That I will never get to experience being pregnant (the good the bad or the ugly!)
Struggle- why me, why us. I have always wanted a big family. Always. Even when it wasn't cool and all my friends said they didn't think they ever wanted kids. I. ALWAYS. DID. Why does this have to happen to us?
Surrender- understanding God must have a bigger plan. Something great in store. Okay God, take it from here- lead us where we need to go. From Children's services to Catholic Charities.
Sanctification- keeping the faith, understanding that there is a plan (okay, I don't 100% have a good explanation here)
Service- I have thought a lot about this. What can I do, how can I help someone else going through this? I'm still working on it. I feel like part of my service is this blog. Maybe, someone, somewhere will read this and understand that it is hard- this process is long and it is trying of your faith, but I know that God has a plan and that it will be worth it.
I continue to think about a few other things that our Pastor said:
*God will take you to a place you cannot see today.
*God wants to heal our broken hearts by inviting us to be present (don't stuff it, express it), be patient (don't get over it, walk through it), and be positive (don't despair, choose joy).
On the video we watched, Kay Warren (in talking about her son's death) said something to the extent of she was devastated, but not destroyed. When people ask her how she is, she tells them I'll be okay, even when she feels horrible. That sums things up a lot of the time. Now I understand, death and fertility issues are completely different. But, there are a lot of the same feelings.
Well that's all. I just felt like I had to share this, just to make sure God hears me say "Yup, got it! I'll be over here waiting... as long as it takes!"
